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Are you mad at me?
No answer. It was no use: Kenneth had removed his Ear Ports, which linked Lukia into his mind. She couldn't connect with his brainwaves now. Bottom lip curling into a pout, Lukia sniffled at the rejection of contact. It was so unfair when Kenny got like this, cutting off mental transmissions so she couldn't understand what he was thinking.
It was unnatural to live in such silence. That empty period – when thought streams ceased and when the only words in her head were her own – terrified Lukia. But Kenny enjoyed it. He had once even claimed that the real silence was in the air, and that words were supposed to be formed with lips, teeth, and tongue to be spoken out loud, not passed from brain to brain. He had tried to show Lukia, but the loud, jarring growl that Kenny had labeled a "Whisper" had hurt Lukia's head so much that she'd had to clamp her hands over her ears. Though Kenny had apologized, Lukia had vowed never to take her Ear Ports out ever again.
It wasn't like there was any reason to "talk", anyway. When Kenny was online, Lukia could hear his intended words in her mind with ease, much faster than the time it would take to physically form them. She had already known what he was going to do, though Lukia hadn't expected it to be so terrifying.
Without the Cogwebs linking everyone together, how could anyone trust? Lukia shuddered at the thought of a world where no one could predict the actions of others. Just imagining all those people bumping into each other, never knowing who was going where or when or why, was enough to give her nightmares that even Sweet Dream Pills couldn't fix. It was a like a terrible story from the History Archives, telling of how the people of the Primitive Ages spent all of their lives, slowly learning about the world's knowledge. But they never even reached their brain's full capacity, dying without ever knowing all there was to know. Nowadays, people actually had time to live because information was downloaded into their brains daily, starting at a very young age.
But somehow Kenny couldn't understand this. Lukia had seen the logic and clarity of the thoughts in his mind, but they were so backward that she wondered if there was a flaw in Kenny's brain. Of course, he had immediately known when Lukia had thought this, but instead of understanding and coming to a happy compromise, Kenny had become afflicted with anger. That was a sign of a flaw, Lukia had informed him, and he could be taken away by the Scanners for that, but Kenny had unplugged himself from the system so she couldn't contact him.
Lukia was worried that the Scanners would delete her friend. No one was supposed to go offline, and she wasn't sure why anyone would even want to. The only reason she even knew what it was like when someone disconnected was because of Kenny. That Whisper had been more than enough for Lukia, and she knew the awful cacophony that Kenny heard every time he removed his Ear Ports. All that hollowness rushing into him, making his heart beat fast in a euphoria that made Lukia uneasy. It was dirty – wrong – like the poisonous drugs the Primitives had to inject into their veins just to feel happy. And it was no different for Kenny.
He never smiled at her anymore, and Lukia could feel the ever-present sorrow in Kenny's heart and mind. He rejected the contact of his friends, and the Mood Chips that would cheer him up, instead unplugging because he liked how no one could hear his thoughts.
But that was silly. It was foolish to think you could hide your reflections from anyone. Even though Kenny was disconnected now, he would have to rejoin the Cogwebs eventually, or he'd disintegrate. The Cogwebs sustained everyone in New City 0448902, feeding their brains with the exact amount of nutrients they needed to live. It was impossible to continue your existence in a prolonged state of offline. The outside world was filled with dirt, ruins, and plants; there was no where to go except to another City.
However, Lukia knew this wouldn't stop Kenny, though he had not directly thought these intentions. The underlying desire could still be felt, and Lukia knew one day he would go to die in the wilds, all alone.
I won't die. Kenny had come back online. Lukia now knew what he was thinking and she felt frightened. She also knew that her panic had alerted the Scanners, and that they, too, now read Kenny's mind. He went back offline, but the automated law enforcers still read Lukia's brain, and could tell that Kenny was still there.
Kenny motioned for Lukia to take her Ear Ports out too, but she shook her head. No, she thought, though he couldn't receive it. Kenny mouthed something to her, but the shapes his lips made didn't mean anything to Lukia. Urgently, he repeated his movements: a bob of his Adam's apple, lips puckering into a round circle, tongue tapping the roof of his mouth, and then his lips pressing together for a moment, before splitting in a sort of grin. What did it mean? He switched to something different: a lick of the roof of his mouth, the puckered circle again, the smile, and then an opening and closing of the jaw.
Desperate to understand his last words, to connect to Kenny before he was deleted, Lukia took a deep breath and then removed her Ear Ports. Flinching at the loud pressure in her ears, Lukia struggled to decode the sounds Kenny was making. He repeated the two sequences of mouth movements one last time, slowly, and Lukia heard:
"Kood-bahyee, ooh-kee-uh."
Then, to her immense surprise, Lukia realized that she understood:
"Goodbye, Lukia."
Kenny turned to go, leaving Lukia with her first two words singing in her ears. They had made sense. They were words made outside of the mind. Lukia paused as the high of the real world made her heart pound, and then she sprinted off to catch up with the boy who had freed her from the Cogwebs.
No answer. It was no use: Kenneth had removed his Ear Ports, which linked Lukia into his mind. She couldn't connect with his brainwaves now. Bottom lip curling into a pout, Lukia sniffled at the rejection of contact. It was so unfair when Kenny got like this, cutting off mental transmissions so she couldn't understand what he was thinking.
It was unnatural to live in such silence. That empty period – when thought streams ceased and when the only words in her head were her own – terrified Lukia. But Kenny enjoyed it. He had once even claimed that the real silence was in the air, and that words were supposed to be formed with lips, teeth, and tongue to be spoken out loud, not passed from brain to brain. He had tried to show Lukia, but the loud, jarring growl that Kenny had labeled a "Whisper" had hurt Lukia's head so much that she'd had to clamp her hands over her ears. Though Kenny had apologized, Lukia had vowed never to take her Ear Ports out ever again.
It wasn't like there was any reason to "talk", anyway. When Kenny was online, Lukia could hear his intended words in her mind with ease, much faster than the time it would take to physically form them. She had already known what he was going to do, though Lukia hadn't expected it to be so terrifying.
Without the Cogwebs linking everyone together, how could anyone trust? Lukia shuddered at the thought of a world where no one could predict the actions of others. Just imagining all those people bumping into each other, never knowing who was going where or when or why, was enough to give her nightmares that even Sweet Dream Pills couldn't fix. It was a like a terrible story from the History Archives, telling of how the people of the Primitive Ages spent all of their lives, slowly learning about the world's knowledge. But they never even reached their brain's full capacity, dying without ever knowing all there was to know. Nowadays, people actually had time to live because information was downloaded into their brains daily, starting at a very young age.
But somehow Kenny couldn't understand this. Lukia had seen the logic and clarity of the thoughts in his mind, but they were so backward that she wondered if there was a flaw in Kenny's brain. Of course, he had immediately known when Lukia had thought this, but instead of understanding and coming to a happy compromise, Kenny had become afflicted with anger. That was a sign of a flaw, Lukia had informed him, and he could be taken away by the Scanners for that, but Kenny had unplugged himself from the system so she couldn't contact him.
Lukia was worried that the Scanners would delete her friend. No one was supposed to go offline, and she wasn't sure why anyone would even want to. The only reason she even knew what it was like when someone disconnected was because of Kenny. That Whisper had been more than enough for Lukia, and she knew the awful cacophony that Kenny heard every time he removed his Ear Ports. All that hollowness rushing into him, making his heart beat fast in a euphoria that made Lukia uneasy. It was dirty – wrong – like the poisonous drugs the Primitives had to inject into their veins just to feel happy. And it was no different for Kenny.
He never smiled at her anymore, and Lukia could feel the ever-present sorrow in Kenny's heart and mind. He rejected the contact of his friends, and the Mood Chips that would cheer him up, instead unplugging because he liked how no one could hear his thoughts.
But that was silly. It was foolish to think you could hide your reflections from anyone. Even though Kenny was disconnected now, he would have to rejoin the Cogwebs eventually, or he'd disintegrate. The Cogwebs sustained everyone in New City 0448902, feeding their brains with the exact amount of nutrients they needed to live. It was impossible to continue your existence in a prolonged state of offline. The outside world was filled with dirt, ruins, and plants; there was no where to go except to another City.
However, Lukia knew this wouldn't stop Kenny, though he had not directly thought these intentions. The underlying desire could still be felt, and Lukia knew one day he would go to die in the wilds, all alone.
I won't die. Kenny had come back online. Lukia now knew what he was thinking and she felt frightened. She also knew that her panic had alerted the Scanners, and that they, too, now read Kenny's mind. He went back offline, but the automated law enforcers still read Lukia's brain, and could tell that Kenny was still there.
Kenny motioned for Lukia to take her Ear Ports out too, but she shook her head. No, she thought, though he couldn't receive it. Kenny mouthed something to her, but the shapes his lips made didn't mean anything to Lukia. Urgently, he repeated his movements: a bob of his Adam's apple, lips puckering into a round circle, tongue tapping the roof of his mouth, and then his lips pressing together for a moment, before splitting in a sort of grin. What did it mean? He switched to something different: a lick of the roof of his mouth, the puckered circle again, the smile, and then an opening and closing of the jaw.
Desperate to understand his last words, to connect to Kenny before he was deleted, Lukia took a deep breath and then removed her Ear Ports. Flinching at the loud pressure in her ears, Lukia struggled to decode the sounds Kenny was making. He repeated the two sequences of mouth movements one last time, slowly, and Lukia heard:
"Kood-bahyee, ooh-kee-uh."
Then, to her immense surprise, Lukia realized that she understood:
"Goodbye, Lukia."
Kenny turned to go, leaving Lukia with her first two words singing in her ears. They had made sense. They were words made outside of the mind. Lukia paused as the high of the real world made her heart pound, and then she sprinted off to catch up with the boy who had freed her from the Cogwebs.
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Bryn Poliwczynski (c) March 2012
Just because it's not a picture does not mean it isn't art. Literature is a form of art. This is MY art. Don't steal it. No downloading, re-posting, taking as your own, etc.
I had this concept of a girl who lives in a world that is never silent, even though no one speaks, and how true words are what turn her life upside down. No one uses their voice or their ears. Instead, people communicate through their minds. There are no secrets and you cannot lie because everyone knows your thoughts. The result is that people have all the knowledge in the world, but they are still incredibly naive.
I have this list of different writing prompts that I made for my group,
, but no one ever does any of them except for me. 
The specific challenge that I used for this story was a twist on the old "if you had to lose one part of your body, which would you choose?" except with the five senses.Tell me what you think!
If you find any spelling or grammar mistakes, please let me know! © 2012 - 2024 GrayBunnyGirl
Comments14
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI decided to read this piece because of the abysmal title. I thought, "This will probably be some emo high school story or just utter garbage". About ten minutes of reading later, I can say with some certainty that I was wrong. While the piece, in my opinion, needs work, it is quite well written. So let's get on with it.
Vision: I cant' say much for this because the piece is short and for the most part blank. You had about five hundred, or maybe more, words here to sort out a world and make it work. That's quite difficult. The world you did create, I argue does lack some vision, it's painted with broad strokes and mostly in gray scale. If anything Kenny is an unlikable rebel and Lukia is a simpleton. I know the characters you want to show are nothing like that. So add some humanity to them. You don't have to add a lot of words to do so, you just need to add telling sentences. It doesn't matter what the characters look like mind you, that's not enough. I need to believe they are human, not character copies. (I say this myself being very guilty of failing to humanize my characters as well).
Originality: I've read this kind of thing many times. There is nothing challenging about this piece. Maybe you weren't trying to make it challenging but the subject matter says otherwise. From the readers point of view, Lukia's world is quite obviously a bad one and we much prefer that of Kenneth's stereo existence. That's a very easy stance to take, and one quite indicative of older literature where nobody ever explored the gray area. Something was either good or bad. But you and I both know that the gray area is quite real, good and bad do not exist on opposite ends of the spectrum but in a swirly chaotic mist. Now perhaps I'm projecting a certain worldview on you, but it's much more current and evocative than something that reads like a 1950's dime store Sci-Fi. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's bad, it's well written and flows quite nicely, but it's lacking backbone. Reach out and make this piece yours.
Technique: Deliver is quite reasonable so I'll give you good marks there. Again I was expecting to read a titanic disaster piece of literature. If you could have seen my brow raise after the first paragraph and my short guffaw at my own cynicism, you would have been pleased as punch, I think. You have a nice rhythm and flow, and I can see that this is not your first rodeo. It could do with some tidying up though. In writing I can only refer to Strunk's first rule: avoid unnecessary words. Trim it down, make it pretty, then use the extra room to add details. It really brightens the whole room.
Impact: In writing, this really has a lot to do with originality. This piece, while well written, isn't something that makes me say, "huh, never thought of that..." I read it and I say, "well I saw that coming, yeah. But good writing though." Give it a little kick in the bottom and it can be really something special.
Title: I can't rate you on the title, but you really must change it. It's a pretty title, but there are lots of pretty titles, and most of them don't mean anything. It's perfectly acceptable of course to have these titles, but remember, the title is the FIRST thing your reader will see. Using a cliched, old song in your title really isn't appealing. For titling a piece, I was given this advice by a poetry teacher (about poetry, but it works quite nicely for literature in many cases) "The title of the poem should also function as the first line of the poem." That is not to say that it should be an actual line, but rather an item that is integral to the piece, not just a pretty bow on top. When I see your title, I just think of the song. So really take the time to think about what your piece is actually about and then give a title having to do with that.
So overall, I'm impressed with your technical skill but want you to improve on your vision, originality, and to a lesser extent, the impact of your piece.
Hope this helped.