Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour

:iconjsaren:
Vision; I've given you 4 1/2 stars for Vision for several reasons. The first is that you clearly set out to write something very personal and emotional that truly means something to you, which always deserves a pat on the back (because that always takes a lot of courage), and also the fact that you put it out there for critique (which takes more than a lot of bravery). What kept me from giving you more is the fact that you didn't seem to have direction, like you knew what you wanted to write about, but you weren't quite sure how to portray it.

Many times the problem with writing emotional poetry is that we let our emotions take the piece over, which isn't always necessarily a good thing because it ends up just as jumbled as it is in our minds. This can be fixed by taking a step back after you've poured out all your heart onto the paper, and then saying "does this work in telling all the things I wanted to say, or do I need to organize and tweak?" I notice that after most of your lines, you trail of with a "...". This could be intentional, but to me it gives the impression that you have a lot to say, but it keeps getting caught in your throat. Once you finish something like this, look back over it and the parts where you cut off and think about what you were trying to say there. Sometimes taking another look can help you pick up where you left off and complete your thoughts.


Originality: I've only given you 2 stars for originality because there are a lot of free-verse poems out there that seem to have this topic and are written this way. When you're confronted with such a common subject, you sometimes need to make twice-the effort to ensure that you have written something unique.

"I want to cut my arms...I want to cut my legs just to watch the blood pouring and feel the pain deep inside." Looking at these lines, I want to know why you feel this way. What is the reason that you want to cut just to watch the blood pour and feel the pain deep inside? Over and over, you've used the word "pain", but you never describe the cause or what that pain is. Answering some of these questions could really set this poem apart from the rest and increase the intrigue of this piece.


Technique: I gave you 3 stars on technique because of the things I mentioned above about free verse and on the lack of direction. The listless sort of mental wandering here makes the piece a bit flat and uninteresting. Maybe you could change it from free verse to fixed: try to make it fit to a rhyme instead. This is a great way to challenge yourself and improve your writing, and will draw a potential readers interest more than free verse. It may even help you to find a rhythm that can better portray what you were going for here (or you could create a refrain, which you almost have here with the last line of each stanza).


Impact: To wrap up, for the impact I gave 2 1/2 stars for the reasons I already spoke of. But I hope this doesn't discourage you, and instead inspires to to improve. There's a lot of potential here -- you seem to have a lot to say, all you need to do is channel it so it's a bit clearer!


Hope this helps!
Bryn P. (Jsaren)
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconparclytaxel:
Parclytaxel Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That is quite the critique you've done over there.
Reply
:iconjsaren:
Jsaren Nov 6, 2012  Professional Interface Designer
Thanks! I'm trying to get into critiquing and being more active in the literature community. :)
Reply
:iconxxxforeveralonexxx:
xXxForeverAlonexXx Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much! It means a lot to me, now i know what to look for in order to write a better one and a more unique one ^_^
Reply
:iconjsaren:
Jsaren Nov 5, 2012  Professional Interface Designer
You are most welcome! ^^
Reply
Add a Comment: